Notebook of a Numerical Nitwit
by Ricoch3t
Summary: The chronicles of Miranda Vector's  sometimes  epic battles of wit with one Dungeon Dwelling Dimwit. Admittedly, using it to create new insults and wallow in denial isn't exactly the supposed purpose of the diary, but it's still therapeutic.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaiming Charm: **If you sue, you'll get nothing but a beat up laptop and three Yorkies. So no. I don't own it.

**Notes of a Numerical Nitwit**

**Prologue:**

**Monday, August 30, 1995**

**13:40**

Dear Merlin.

Dumbledore has just graduated from 'vaguely senile' to 'dementedly insane'. Honestly, that man is just not all there.

Why, you ask, this sudden upgrade?

Simple: he has given us all diaries. _Diaries _for Merlin's sakes! And then promptly twinkled dementedly as he said that they were there to keep us sane.

_Us_. His staff. Not him. Us!

Admittedly, the man may know he's too far gone to be able to turn back now... but still! Diaries! I never even kept one when I was a teenager.

Alright, so my life was just too boring to warrant a diary back then. I spent most of my time scribbling at some equation or another. And there were no boys who were interested in me so I couldn't scribble things about them in there either.

My mother is right.

My love life is depressingly non-existent.

Anyway, the highlight of the staff meeting (which I am scribbling in here so that I may have a hard copy to chuckle over when I'm feeling blue) was Snape's reaction to the diaries.

"Headmaster." He said in that pure velvet voice that generally spells doom to everyone in the room. "What new level of supreme senility is this?"

He brandished his Gryffindor red diary.

Haha! Gryffindor red! A diary! I never thought I'd see the day!

That was a rather funny sight.

Anyway, supreme senility. That's where I left off.

"Why my boy! That's my gift to you all!" Dumbledore twinkled at him.

"And why, headmaster, do you feel the need to inflict such torture upon your staff?" He was now staring at the diary in disgust, holding it by one corner only, as though it were some rabid virus.

"Well, I read in an article..."

Which was when the entire staff shuddered. Albus reading an article is _never ever_ a good thing.

"... that writing one's feelings in a diary is therapeutic!" The man finished with a flourish.

"Therapeutic? _Therapeutic?_ Albus, you are the only person on this staff who can be classified as a scatty senile senescent coot!"

How's that for alliteration? Severus Snape seems to have a thing for alliteration. Might be because of his name. Or just because he's a mean greasy bat bastard who probably spends all his time thinking up insults to hurl at unsuspecting people.

Apparently 'senescent' is a fancy way of calling Albus _old_.

I admit I had to go look it up.

…

There's no shame in it! English is hardly my field of expertise! Severus must read bloody dictionaries because even Albus looked momentarily confused at that.

Ha! I can just imagine him, his nose touching the parchment as he scribbles furiously whilst consulting his dictionary for obscure synonyms.

Haha!

Oh Merlin. Now Albus has given him _a book_ in which to write these terrifying insults. He'd probably bequeath it to his Slytherins in his will so that they may one day also strike the fear of Merlin into unsuspecting bystanders.

Albus is obviously bat-shit-crazy.

Still, it's never stopped him before.

"Now my boy," (Okay, allow me to say that no one- and I mean _no one_- but Albus can get away with calling Severus boy. The rest of us would be killed on the spot!) Anyways.

"Now my boy," Dumbledore twinkled at the Dark Dungeon Bat, "I am merely thinking of my staff's mental wellbeing."

"How... _caring_." There it was- The Sneer of DoomTM! "I, however, shall excuse myself from this particularly imbecilic exercise."

"Now, now Severus. Surely as an educator you can understand the need for us all to keep at the forefront of all of our respective fields."

"This... _thing_ is in no way related to my respective field." Severus sneered as he dropped the book into the trash can.

And promptly swept from the staff room.

Mere seconds later the Book from Hell came zooming out of the trash can right in front of our eyes. And, can I tell you, all of our eyes were round as saucers then.

The crash and cry of pure anguish (alright, it was more a sound of mumbled curses) that followed had us all piling out of the staff room and...

There was Severus Snape, being smacked about the head by the Book from Hell.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oh.

There. That was just brilliant!

For a moment there we were all so drunk on amusement that we nearly missed Dumbledore's next words.

"Of course, I could hardly risk not having all of your full co-operation on this vitally important new study I shall be publishing. So the books have been charmed. You cannot dispose of them. And if you do not write in them daily you shall suffer endless head slaps from the book until you write in it."

Twinkle twinkle fucking twinkle.

Apparently Dumbledore is co-authoring a paper on whether keeping a (forced!) diary has any effect on the staff in a school.

Great. As though my life isn't enough of a freak show already, I am now a subject in an experiment.

No! No- think happy thoughts!

Like Snape.

Getting whacked about by a book.

Ahhhhh... that's better.

**13:50**

Aurora Sinistra has just informed me that my previous entry is a bit misleading.

Allow me to clarify: the thought of Severus Snape is in no way, shape or form comforting or amusing.

The thought of him being beaten by a book is, however.

Hahahaha!

Definitely comforting.

**14:00**

How am I going to survive this?

Do Arithmetic equations count as diary entries? Because, honestly, nothing else happens to me.

Hell. That sounds pathetic.

Don't judge me.

Damn you.

**Tuesday, August 31**

**07:30**

Hahahahaha!

Excuse me. I shouldn't take such pleasure in someone else's misery but...

!

Snape is suffering!

His book followed him into the staff room for breakfast this morning, all the while giving him head slaps, until the man finally gave in and ripped the thing out of the air and scribbled something in it.

And then it fell there.

Meek as a kitten.

As though it wasn't the Book of Doom.

!

Ahem.

Thank you Severus Snape, for giving me this diary entry.

**07:33**

For nothing else mind you.

I'm laughing _at _you. Not with you.

!

**14:35**

Damn it. My good mood just vanished thanks to that great greasy... greaseball of... dubious hygiene!

Who does he think he is? Swooping in out of nowhere and telling me- _me_- that I should just give up the diary exercise because, and I quote, "Your head is so full of idiotic mutterings, I admit I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to form a coherent sentence."

That BASTARD!

My head is not... Oh! Hey look!

My new Arithmancy Monthly just got here!

Yay! Fangirlish glee!

Ooooooh- that devillishly handsome Septimus Scragmore is on the cover...

Pardon me, I believe Septimus and I have a date...

**14:40**

Not an actual one, mind you.

Although we _could_ if I so fancied it.

What?

We correspond via owl on all the latest topics!

…

Alright. So it's more that I wrote him a rather sincere inquiry as to his last article and he never really deigned to answer... but it's still technically a correspondence!

I think.

Oh, who _cares_!

He's brilliant, and gorgeous, and a bit more brilliant...

It's like when he was made the gods followed a recipe that went:

2 dashing grey eyes.

1 greek nose.

1 head of sleek, gorgeously waved butterscotch coloured hair.

1 set of large, manly shoulders

7 brains worth of intellect.

Sigh.

He's so perfect.

**14:00**

Just realized that I have been sighing into my diary on how wonderful Septimus is.

Ha! Take that teenage years!

I finally got the right guy to crush on!

Dear Merlin, what am I doing with my life?

**19:01**

Wonder if I should write to him again?

**19:03**

Septimus- not Snape.

I did try that once, when I was working on my Masters...

It ended badly.

**19:07**

How was I supposed to know he'd find out that I'd lied to my mother about having a boyfriend?

**19:10**

Hell, I hadn't even told her that! She saw that a man had written me a letter and _assumed_.

Was that my fault, I ask you?

Of course not!

**19:20**

I need a life.

**19:30**

I fail to see how scribbling in a notebook can possibly make me healthier or happier.

**20:00**

Must inform Dumbledore that it's obviously not working.

**21:00**

Damn it.

How do you write to a highly distinguished man that you have a crush on?

**21:04**

Still, I hope Snape will get whacked by his diary tomorrow.

Happy thought, that.

**21:06**

He could, of course be using it for the nefarious purpose of writing his favourite torture methods in.

Not such a happy though, that.

**21:09**

Still...

…

…

No good can possibly come of this.

Mark my words Dumbledore- mark my words!

**21:14**

Of course! How brilliant!

I am very good.

And evil.

Because yes, Severus Snape can use his diary for nefarious purposes, but _so can I_!

You see, no longer do I have to simply stand there and take abuse from that malicious mouth of his, no longer will I forget that I also have a tongue, no longer will the man mortify and abuse me!

No longer will I forget the awesome comeback that I spent days agonising over...

Erm. Not that I spend days agonising over my comebacks.

At all.

Okay, maybe I spend some time on them.

The point is: now I have a notebook (because calling it a diary is messing with my head. Seriously.) where I can record my comebacks and have them at my fingertips whenever I need them!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Take that Snape!

**21:20**

Yay! Dumbledore's given me leave to have a go at modifying the wards! At last!

I give more fangirlish glee to thee my little notebook!

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

**21:23**

Note to self: Get a life. Please.

I depress myself sometimes.

NN-HP-NN

**A/N:** This is a little spin-off from Black and Blue that seems to have made itself a permanent nest in my head. I don't really know what to say, since my brain is so fried from my studies that I'm surprised it managed to be so persistent about getting this out there.

Love it? Hate it? Review it!


	2. Bodice Busters and Femme Fatales

**Chapter 1:**

**Wednesday, September 1**

**09:24**

_Dear Mr Scragmore, _

_As I am certain you have read..._

No. That won't work. Uhm.

_Esteemed Mr Scragmore, _

_I have, upon perusing this month's Arithmancy Monthly, read your absolutely brilliant paper on the theory of differentiation in three dimensions and found it simply enthralling..._

Ugh, I need caffeine!

**09:27**

_Dear Septimus, _

_I find myself unbearably attracted to you. Your brains, your eyes, your patrician nose. _

_My bosoms heave in delight every time I come across your picture and I wish that I could feel your throbbing manhood pressing against me... _

_To feel your strong hands caress my supple body. _

_Make love to my mouth, thrust your strong tongue into the moist cavern of my mouth and make love to it as you explore it with fervour! Let our tongues battle for dominance as I run my hands over the hard planes of your chest...!_

Oops. I seem to have been caught.

**09:55**

Sorry about that.

Severus Snape seems to HAVE NO RESPECT for a fellow teacher's notebook! Can you imagine- I just went to get a cup of coffee and the next thing I know he's scribbling in here!

Which is weird because he's kind of been ignoring me for two weeks now.

Not that that's a bad thing, of course! I'm relieved! Or at least I was until I saw him scribbling in my notebook!

DIRTY DUNGEON BAT.

…

Oh my Merlin! What has he done to my letter to Septimus?

That...!

Bastard!

**12:01**

Something is seriously wrong.

Went to go and confront Severus, and he just ignored me.

Well, you know, he sneered at me. But that was it really. Was a bit like talking to a wall... that could sneer.

"Snape!"

Sneer.

"How could you write in my notebook?"

Sneer, sneer.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

Sneer, sneer, sneer.

"Really! Well, I see how it is- I see OW!" (Which is where I fell _up_ the stairs. ow.)

Sneer, smirk, smirk.

"Oh shut up!"

And then I promptly left. I didn't throw a hissy fit or anything like that! I merely... walked away. Yes.

Wow. Denial is easy with you notebook.

Not that you're sentient. Or anything.

Ahem.

**13:09**

That was terrible. I mean, really. What was that? Some sort of aborted Mills & Boons book?

Oh.

Oh. Dear. Merlin.

You've got to be kidding me!

Severus Snape reads bodice rippers?

Ewwwwwwwwww!

**13:14**

Although, that is pretty good blackmail material...

**13:16**

Severus Snape: Bodice Buster!

Ugh.

No.

**13:20**

Oh Merlin- what if he _writes_ bodice busters?

No, no! Listen to me! It makes sense in a creepy sort of way!

If there is anyone, _anyone_ with an even more depressing love life than me it is Severus Snape. So obviously he writes these tawdry, cheap bodice busters in order to love out his fantasies!

And boy, what fantasies they seem to be.

Ugh.

**13:23**

You don't think...

Nah.

**13:25**

I mean, theoretically...

Nah.

**13:28**

Damn you Snape.

**14:00**

I wonder why he's ignoring me? He's usually up to about thirty insults by now.

**14:01**

Not that I care, mind you.

I'm happy.

**14:02**

Don't look at me like that.

**14:08**

I'm serious.

**14:13**

Alright, so it feels a bit strange.

But it's a good kind of strange, right?

**14:37**

Still scarred from the thought of Snape writing bodice busters.

**15:00**

Only two hours before the students arrive. I should really get my letter to Septimus done. Else I'll never have the courage to write it.

Aurore! She'll be able to help! She writes all kinds of sappy letters to her fiance!

… Not that I want a sappy letter mind you.

Just a good one.

That he'll actually answer this time.

Shut up.

Notebook.

**18:45**

Well, I was right! Aurore is a genius! She managed to get the right amount of mystery, professionalism, and... well. It's just a really good letter, alright?

I'm sure he'll write back this time...

Yay!

**22:00**

About to go out to the wards... but...

I am seriously creeped out at the thought of going out there with Severus Snape, Bodice Buster Writer! On the loose.

I only ever read one bodice buster, and it scarred me.

For life.

Seriously- I was about ten when I stole one of my Mother's out of sheer boredom. And I still remember it to this day...

It was about this evil bad boy millionaire who wanted revenge against a rival family (who had apparently stolen his grandparents' farmhouse or something) and so he seduced the daughter of the other family. For revenge.

Anyway, my family isn't exactly that rich and prominent, and I'm pretty certain we've never stolen someone else's farmhouse, but it still scarred me!

And I'm not even talking about the sex part.

Though that was pretty bad too.

What kind of person writes that sort of stuff?

**22:02**

I'm going now. Silly Severus can't scare me.

So there.

**22:05**

No, seriously. I'm going.

**22:15**

Oh come off it! You'd be bloody terrified if you knew Snape wrote anything.

**22:23**

I can just imagine it: "Interview with a Death Eater" or "You Drank a Potion I Made".

Okay, so I'm terrible at titles... but you get my drift!

**22:30**

Do you think he has actual experiences? Or is he just living vicariously on paper?

**22:31**

Shudder.

At both those options.

**22:32**

This is ridiculous.

After all, none of my colleagues have conventional hobbies.

Fillius collects dust bunnies, having declared them "More rare than unicorn droppings" and he keeps them in an actual display case.

That's pretty damn creepy.

Minerva collects bodice busters like they're actual books.

Of course- if Snape writes them... it's just too creepy to think about.

Shudder.

Anyways, I myself have a weakness for...

Comics books. Or graphic novels.

Stop that!

Stop giving me that look!

Erm, notebook...

That's it. You're not being in the least bit supportive! I'm going to the wards now!

Even if Severus Snape could be waiting out there, hoping to re-enact his latest bodice buster project in progress.

**23:00**

I just can't do it.

It creeps me out, alright?

I read detective novels! And spy novels!

… I may read a bit much.

But that's hardly the point! I have just realized what danger I am in!

**23:02**

It's patently ridiculous that I got all of two steps away from my door, heard a creaking sound and promptly dove back into my rooms with an undignified squeak.

I am a woman of the numerical world! I will not be cowed into cowering in my rooms!

**23:05**

Then again, it's late.

I have early classes.

It's the responsible thing to do. Going to bed now.

Shut up.

Notebook.

**Thursday, September 2**

**07:30**

Hate mornings.

**08:30**

Hate mornings even more when Snape sweeps past and just sneers at me.

**09:00**

Why is he ignoring me?

And writing bodice busters in my notebook?

…

It definitely isn't normal Snape behaviour, I can tell you that.

Something strange is going on.

And I, much like Gabriella Weline, international woman of mystery in Tornado L. Glassgaw's bestselling hit spy series...

Ahem. Yes.

Like Gabriella Weline, I am going to spy on Severus Snape, I will be a femme fatale and find out exactly what is going on in that man's head!

**09:03**

Even though it may traumatise me.

**09:10**

This is a Bad Idea.

**09:20**

But someone has to do it.

**09:47**

I'll need a new wardrobe, if I am to be a femme fatale...

And new looks.

And a new personality.

**09:50**

I don't know... this seems like a lot of effort...

**09:54**

But he could be plotting the downfall of the world you know.

That man has a way with words after all...

He could probably control the minds of everyone who read his bodice busters. And then use them to amass an army to do his bidding.

You know, like...

Uhm...

Mass marketing sarcasm?

Hmmmmmm... this requires more analysis...

But I bet he's up to something diabolical!

And it's up to me to save the innocents in this world!

**09:57**

We're all doomed.

NN-HP-NN

**A/N:** Well... what can I say about this chapter?

Except that I completely blame DeadTeenWalking and Weresquirrel01 for the bodice buster thing. They started it with the amusing tale of DTW's grandmother and her everlasting hope for a so-called "blue book". So yeah, blame them.

Also, those of you reading Black and Blue know exactly why Severus is ignoring Miranda.

Review please. It's like ice cream in a heat wave to an author.


	3. Magazines and Mouth Breathers

**Chapter 2**

**Friday, September 3**

**10:00**

Okay, there's no need to panic.

But... I think that Snape may have read my notebook.

There's no other reason he would sweep into the staff room, grab a mug of coffee and proceed to snarl "Pathetic" in my direction.

Right?

I haven't done anything to deserve it!

He's the one who wrote a bloody Bodice Buster in my notebook!

And he calls me "pathetic"? REALLY?

Bastard.

**11:00**

I mean, honestly.

Me.

Pathetic?

I think not.

**11:08**

Okay.

Maybe I'm a _little_ pathetic. If you really wanted to be nasty.

But I don't write Bodice Busters!

So hah! Who's the more pathetic person here?

Not me.

That's for sure.

**11:11**

Despite what my mother would have people believe.

**11:15**

I feel there's something I should be remembering...

Something to do with Snape...

Not that I want to think about him.

At all.

But I remember it was kind of important.

**11:17**

Of course! His plan to take over the world with Bodice Busters!

And I shall be the femme fatale who takes him down!

**11:20**

I wonder whether Aurore will be willing to save the world?

**11:22**

I'd ask Bathsheba, but she seems completely enamoured with her new paramour.

And she met him on a singles cruise.

I don't think that's the kind of woman we want.

**11:26**

Not that I'm judging her! Going on a singles cruise is absolutely fine.

Really.

I'm not judgemental.

At all.

…

Shut up.

**18:34**

I should kill Aurora.

Honestly, I should.

I went to her and told her our plight and do you know what my supposed best friend said? Do you?

Er... notebook.

Ahem. Yes. Back to my tale of woe and misunderstood intelligent women.

I told her about Snape.

She looked at me like I was completely bonkers, and then she said: "Miranda, I love you, really but you've gone bonkers."

I pulled myself up to my full (very unimposing height) and retorted: "No I haven't! I'm the third most sane person on the faculty!"

Admittedly, I used to be the fourth most sane person on the staff before Snape started writing bodice busters.

"Yes, that may be," she said blithely, "but that doesn't really make you _sane-sane_ now does it?"

Psh! I am sane. I am so sane that I am the only person to realize the peril we are all in!

Anyway, I got her with a blazing retort!

"I'm an arithmancer! We're so sane we _study_ sanity!"

Hah. Take that doubter!

"Miranda, sweety, sit down before you have an aneurysm." She patted the seat next to her.

"No! I can't sit down! I have to save the world!" I said, staying strong in my conviction.

"Honey, I don't know how to tell you this... you're brilliant at a subject I hardly understand, but remember the little Moody incident?"

Okay. That was low. I had thought we'd agreed to never, ever, everrrr mention the Incident again.

I mean, the man was drinking from a hip flask! And what the hell was Snape doing in his classroom in the dark?

And any man that squeezes his butt-cheeks when saying "Constant Vigilance!" obviously has issues.

I really did think he was a polyjuiced Snape.

Mostly because, you know, I'd never seen the two of them together in the same room until the moment I'd grabbed his hip flask and announced dramatically that I knew he was a polyjuiced Snape who had planned to take the Defence job by force!

And then, just as the entire staff room was staring, Snape stalked in.

Not my most proud moment, I can admit.

But that's hardly the point! This time I had conclusive proof!

So I showed her his disgraceful scribbles and her face got this sort of look like she'd just swallowed an earwax flavoured Bertie Bott's bean.

Hah! Hah! Hah!

"Uhm, Miranda dear, creepy as this is," And it's really really creepy, "there's no law against writing bodice busters."

"What? Are you kidding me? He'll use it to take over the world!" I raged.

"I'm pretty sure that's impossible."

At which point I outlined, in vivid detail, how Severus Snape is a devious man who could use little krupp puppies to take over the world.

Aurore seemed to not really listen to this. And she sort of stopped me in the middle of my tirade with the words of a true traitor:

"This is really actually quite good, you know."

Gah!

My best friend- brainwashed by Snape!

See? I told you he was up to something!

My poor, poor friend.

Not to worry Aurore- I will not rest until I find a cure!

…

Maybe Bathsheba isn't such a bad idea?

I mean, she has to be able to flirt. She was on a singles' cruise.

And she got a man.

Maybe I should ask her?

**18:54**

Attempted to locate Bathsheba, but she's gone missing.

Maybe Snape got to her as well!

Damn.

Obviously I am the only one here who can resist his silky smooth baritone and carefully concocted speeches...

Because it has no effect on me whatsoever.

Ever.

Except that one time.

But that's not my fault.

At all.

**19:03**

Have decided to attempt some espionage on Snape.

I mean, really, what could go wrong?

I have an hour to kill before I need to go work on the wards, so it'll be a good use of time.

I'm going now.

Wish me good luck!

Erm.

Notebook.

**19:45**

What an unmitigated disaster that was.

No, really.

It's far too much for my delicate system.

I just can't write it down.

It's far too disturbing, Notebook.

You would never be able to process the horrors that I have endured in the past forty-two minutes.

Alright. Maybe it will get better if I tell you.

That's what Albus says, anyway.

Ahem.

I was all ready for a spot of Snape Spying (clever little title right?) and so I made my way to the one place you can always count on him being.

Now, I think it should be clear that I've never actually done Snape Spying before this, no matter what Snape may say about last year.

I am in no way, shape or form a creepy stalker.

Right, so. Now that that's cleared up.

I headed towards the dungeons, dressed in my brother's black slacks and my black sweater, staying in the shadows all the way...

Only to have my cover blown when I entered the corridor in front of Snape's office.

By Harry Potter.

The boy looked at me strangely for a few moments, and I sort of stared back at him, hoping he'd not notice me, and then he just sort of waved at me.

Which made it pretty clear that I wasn't being very stealthy.

I gave him a small smile and a grimace back.

Thank Merlin he never speaks. That would have been disastrous.

Anyways, he gave me this disturbed look and headed towards wherever he was going, and I took a deep breath as I prepared to enter enemy territory.

Because the first place a femme fatale would look was in the most intimately private place of her chosen target.

I, however, am terrible at breaking and entering and so I had settled for the man's office.

And so it was that I, Miranda Vector, femme fatale, headed for the Dungeon Bat's office.

Now, I'm not a particulary good fighter and I am bollocks at a lot of things, but I am very limber and flexible.

And the doors were open, which should have warned me really that something was amiss, but I figured that if I kept low to the ground Snape wouldn't see me.

So it was that I summer saulted into Severus Snape's office.

And crashed straight into Dumbledore's legs.

Dumbledore promptly proceeded to fall against a shelf housing some very disgusting things floating in jars and shattered everything.

Oops.

Dumbledore looked at me.

I looked straight back.

And then we heard footsteps.

We promptly crawled into the supply closet, and sat there with wide eyes and clamped lips like two teenagers.

The footsteps stopped at the open door.

In hindsight we really should have closed it.

Then the footsteps came into the office and stopped to stare at the damage we'd managed to inflict upon his office.

A foot tapped outside the storage closet, and we heard mumbling and the sound of broken jars being repaired.

And then he spoke.

"When I find who did this, and _I will find out_, I will make their lives miserable. Even more so if they do not give themselves up."

Which is obviously a sign of insanity- after all, who talks to a seemingly deserted room?

We stayed quiet as church mouses.

A sigh, and then the tap-tap-tap of retreating footsteps.

When they were out of range Albus and I high-fived each other. Because, really, how successful were we? He'd never be able to prove it was us.

So we got out of the supply closet and smiled at each other.

We've bonded now.

Which is nice.

Anyways, he looked at me and said: "My dear Miranda, may I ask what you were planning on doing here?"

And I replied: "I was looking for anything to counter his dastardly plan for world domination of course!"

"Oh really?" He asked and popped a lemon drop into his mouth.

"Yes! Did you know he writes evil, mind controlling bodice busters?"

"My, my. That would certainly explain a few things I suppose."

"Wha-? Really?" I was stunned and happy to find someone who believed me, you know.

"Yes. It would explain why he keeps stealing my fashion and female magazines."

At that point I decided I most definitely did Not Want To Know.

So, after that particularly scarring conversation, we both scarpered.

And here I am.

Scarred by my boss's reading material.

And the fact that Snape was stealing it.

Yup. Evil world domination for sure.

I'm going to the wards now, in order to hope that their seeming obstinance will erase this event from my mind.

**20:00**

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

I am not scared of Snape.

Oh, who am I kidding.

Bathsheba needs to get her arse back to school, because I just can't face the wards alone right now.

Not when Severus Snape is stalking these halls.

**20:07**

That's it.

Really.

I refuse to cower in fear!

**20:09**

Then again, I'm more of a lover than a fighter.

Really.

Oh Merlin, this is pathetic.

I am going to march right up to that idiotic man and tell him to keep his sneers and sick fantasies away from me!

Not very subtle, I suppose, but it should be able to work.

I'm not really a subtle person.

**20:11**

I just can't do it.

No. Wait.

I must do it.

I refuse to be ruled by fear!

Severus Snape does not scare me!

Ha!

Take that you overgrown, snarky, sneering bat!

**21:00**

I DID IT!

Whoo!

I went to the wards all on my lonesome!

And it felt good to not have my life ruled by fear of Severus Snape.

Ha!

He has lost all power over me.

Why am I back so soon you ask?

Because I am a responsible adult who knows that I have classes in the morning.

Stop that!

Stop looking at me like that!

… Notebook.

Alright, alright. I admit it.

To my shame...

I went to the wards (keeping in the shadows all the while, being sneaky, trying to avoid certain snarly simpletons- which is a good one! I need to remember that!) and I managed to avoid everyone and get there safely!

I felt very accomplished at this.

Which probably isn't very healthy, all things considered, but I was feeling like an empowered woman once more!

I worked on the wards for quite some time...

… until I became aware of someone breathing quite loudly.

From the shadows.

I let out a very high-pitched (but completely justified!) squeak.

I mean, it's one of my greatest fears.

The loud breathing from the shadows, not the squeaking part.

My grandfather told me about this case they had, back when he was an Auror, where the murdered waited for the women behind their bedroom doors and the first thing they knew was amiss was this loud breathing from the shadows.

And then when they moved towards the door, and swung it to reveal...

The murderer!

With his knife gleaming in the moonlight!

And then he'd pounce them!

And gruesomely disfigure them!

Eep!

It's the mouth breather- he's back!

**21:10**

Batty Bastard!

I. am. Going. to. Kill. Him.

Can you believe him?

Can you bloody well believe that Bat Bloody Bastard?

GRRRRRR!

Die Snape DIE!

**21:15**

Maybe I should explain that previous entry.

Turns out the mouth breather?

Yeah, it turns out it was Snape.

Arsehole.

When I finally managed to stop being a coward (which, I mean, it isn't really. I just have enough brains to realize that rushing into a mouth breather's clutches isn't a smart thing to do. So really, I'm just super smart!).

Ahem.

Anyway.

I managed to extricate myself from my closet, when I realized that going into an enclosed space is Never Good in thrillers, and so I grabbed my wand.

I gripped it so tightly I thought it might break.

Which is also Never Good.

So I relaxed my wand grip and I headed for the door- a stunning spell on my lips...

… and wrenched it open to reveal Severus Snape!

Now, alright, the smart thing to do would probably to slam the door closed, or to ask him calmly what he was doing outside my door.

Breathing like the heroine in one of his depraved Bodice Busters.

But I didn't do any of those things.

Nope.

Because I'm not good under pressure you know.

No, I squeaked again in absolute fear, and promptly dived back into my closet.

Leaving the door wide open.

Well, if he'd been a gentleman he wouldn't have followed me in!

Of course, if he's a depraved mouth-breathing killer, I'm pretty sure he's not a gentleman...

Which is completely besides the point.

The good news is he didn't follow me inside.

The bad news is that he did burst out laughing.

He laughed and laughed and laughed until there were tears streaming down his face.

Bastard.

I finally realized that he wasn't going to follow me into my rooms and extricated myself once more from my closet (which I should really organize, because having all my clothes scattered about my rooms makes it hard to get dressed.)

Where was I?

Right. Extricating myself from the closet.

Which, really, only made him laugh harder.

Well, by that time I was in a bit of a huffy mood (I was not in a snit! No matter what Snape might tell you! Errrrr... notebook.) and so I walked right up to him and I said:

"What the hell are you laughing at? Mouth-breathing is no laughing matter... you... you... thing!"

Which I thought was amazing, really, given the state of my nerves at that moment.

"You... Haha... Closet... coming out... Haha... No wonder... Haha... so close... haha... you and Sinistra... hahaha!"

Which, really makes no sense.

Does it?

Hmmmmmmmmm...

Anyways, I slammed the door in his face.

Ha!

Take that you greasy bat bastard!

It muffled his guffaws.

And it seems that he's moved away from my door.

Strange man, really.

Obviously he's gone round the bend.

**22:09**

Oh dear Merlin!

That's what he meant!

I was coming out of the closet!

That

**22:14**

Sorry about that.

I seem to have broken a quill.

Which is... messy.

**22:16**

But honestly!

How dare he!

Mean mouth-breathing bat bastard!

See if I ever, ever talk to him again!

I am officially giving him The Silent Treatment!

NNN-HP-NNN

**A/N:** Shhhhhh! According to the new Protection of Information that my government just passed I'm not allowed to write an author's note here!

Oh well, I wonder whether they have computers in prison? Pity orange isn't my colour...

All credit for the Mouth-breathing fear goes to my Grandmother. It is really her worst fear, although hers stems from a Mystery Theatre program that was on the radio when she was a young girl. It's thoroughly amusing to me. Except when it's dark and I'm home alone. O_o

Pathetic much? Yes. Yes it is.

Hopefully this chapter makes you want to press that **Review**button. Right there. If you don't Snape will come and breathe behind your door.

Really. ;D


	4. Letters, Thrillers and ManHandling

**Chapter 3**

**Friday, September 4**

**10:00**

I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

What with Severus Snape being a deprived, Bodice Busting Mouth Breather.

Who has mind controlling powers over my best friend.

And accused me of 'coming out of the closet'.

Bastard.

**10:11**

SQUEEEEEEEE!

My life is brilliant!

Sigh.

**10:12**

Okay, so that deserves an explanation.

It's very simple you see: Septimus Scragmore has replied to my letter.

Sigh.

He's so eloquent and intelligent and just plain _perfect_.

And the best part?

'I can see from your letter that you are as charming as you are intelligent.'

That's a verbatim quote, mind you.

He replied, he thinks I'm intelligent and charming...

Could anything ruin this moment?

**10:23**

Apparently something can.

Guess who- and the first two guesses don't count.

Bloody bat bastard.

I mean, who gives him the right to come in and say mean things to me?

Aurora and I were having a moment of girlish glee over Septimus's letter when he sort of swooped into the staff room, sending a very amused glance my way.

The amused glance died when he took in the scene, and his eyes zoomed in on the letter we were both sort of smiling and gushing over.

He was so intent on the whole scene that he took Albus's (pink, sparkly unicorn) mug instead of his own austere black on. Then he missed said mug with the coffee and it ended up spilling over his shoes- this seemed to snap him out of his stupor as he hissed and promptly redirected the flow of caffeine.

Then he sort of stalked over to us, cup in hand and shoes smelling of coffee.

"What," he asked, making a vague motion to the letter with his mug (causing more precious coffee to go to waste on his shoes), "is _that_?"

Aurore gave him the sort of look usually reserved for me in my Moody-incident-mode: "It's a letter, of course. Surely you've at least _heard_ of one, even if you never get any."

"I do not believe I asked you, you half-witted harpy." Severus drawled and turned his eyes to me.

Images of his dastardly escapades flashed before my eyes and I found myself grabbing my precious letter and holding it to my chest. Giving him a half hearted glare. (Because I'm still ignoring him, not because I'm scared of him! Really!)

Which, really, isn't in the least bit effective.

"It's a _love_ _letter_." Aurora smirked at him.

I gave her a frantic look, because it _honestly_ isn't a love letter and if anyone was going to find out it would be Snape and was she gunning to have me humiliated once more simply so she could...

What did she get out of it, anyway?

It's no secret that Snape and Aurora don't like each other, and they tend to ignore each other mostly.

But _I'm_ the one who generally gets insulted and even sometimes make a comeback.

Why is she usurping my relationship with Sev- erm. I mean, Snape?

And why is Se-Snape not insulting me?

What is going on here?

Snape ignored her.

"I see you have gone from moping misanthrope to mooning mistress." He sneered at me from behind his coffee cup.

To which I replied scathingly: "Fuck off!" and promptly left.

Hah! Take that!

Okay, not my most brilliant retort ever, but it was satisfying.

I'm just going to re-read my letter...

… Which isn't here.

Oh no.

Oh please no!

**10:34**

Severus Snape read my letter!

I went to confront him- I just sort of barreled into his office and said: "That's my letter!"

For it obviously was (my letter) and he was scribbling on it (in red ink)!

"Indeed. You and this _Septimus_ are perfect for each other."

I blinked.

"We are?"

"Yes. Both of you abuse the Queen's English in such a tawdry fashion that it pains me to read any half-arsed sentences that you manage to cobble together despite your obvious handicap."

And then he sort of shoved to letter into my chest and swept out of his office.

I feel honestly insulted by that comment!

I mean- I don't _abuse_ languages.

I just... gently manhandle them a bit.

Anyways, I got back to my rooms only to discover that the letter was full of his spiky handwriting where he'd corrected Septimus's grammar and spelling and written all sorts of nasty things like: 'If your grammar is anything to go by you are indeed a great galloping gander."

Which, is a weird comment, because isn't a gander a male goose or something?

Why would you call someone a gander?

What is it with Severus Snape and insulting me and my (so totally not a boyfriend!) colleague?

This has something to do with the Bodice Buster Project (as I shall henceforth call it)! I can smell it!

I just don't really know _what_?

You know what this needs?

A list!

Everything looks better in list format!

Right, so:

The Bodice Buster Project:

Facts:

Severus Snape writes Bodice Busters

He is a mouth-breathing maniac

He reads women's magazines

He talks to empty offices (or at least, seemingly empty ones)

He thinks Septimus is an idiot (Not true at all)

Extrapolations:

Obviously, the Bodice Busters are evil mind controlling mechanisms

He'll use them to create an evil army of mouth breathing minions!

It's just... wrong. And obviously devious.

He's insane (the evil kind, not the Albus batty kind)

He's an idiot who cannot admit that Septimus Scragmore is as intelligent as he is handsome.

Right, so...

Now I need a plan. A plan to prevent the world domination of mouth breathers!

Because that is just creepy.

**12:00**

I don't have a clue as to what my plan should be.

**12:07**

This calls for research.

And, you know, a reply to Septimus's letter.

**12:10**

Maybe I'll have a (boyfriend) colleague to help me take down the Bodice Buster Project?

Ha! Take that Mother!

**17:09**

Spent a very productive hour with Aurora writing my reply to Septimus.

It is, of course, perfect.

No wonder Aurora has a fiancé.

I hope he replies soon...

**20:00**

SOMEONE IS STALKING ME!

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh... this is BAD!

**20:03**

Have taken some calming breaths.

It hasn't worked.

So I'm going to ward my rooms... again.

**21:00**

Ha! Try getting through that evil stalker person!

I have re-warded my rooms. No one can get throu- Eeep!

**21:04**

Bloody house elves.

How do they get through everything?

This one just wanted to start my fire...

And it looked at me very strangely when I emerged sheepishly from the closet.

(Yes, ha-bloody-ha Snape!)

The good thing about house elves is that they tend to keep their judging quiet.

Anyway, back to my stalker...

I got a note that said: "I know what you did last night."

Creepy, right?

First Snape with his mouth-breathing, now some creep who's tracking my every move!

Wait- speaking of Snape...

I knew I recognised the handwriting!

That bat-bastard!

How dare he send me vaguely threatening notes?

… Of course he knows what I was doing last night.

He was there.

_Breathing_ all over the place.

**21:30**

I don't get it.

**21:34**

Oh Merlin!

He knows that I know about the BBP!

You know, the Bodice Buster Project?

What! An acronym makes it sound very mysterious and stuff...

No, it's not because I'm too lazy to keep writing the bloody name out all the time. What kind of person do

you think I am?

Bloody notebook.

**21:39**

But if he knows that I know about the BBP, and I know that he knows that I know about the BBP, and then he knows that I know that he knows that I know and... erm, then what am I to do?

**22:00**

Enough of this.

I am going to the wards.

That should clear my head.

**22:01**

Of course, if Snape _does_ know that I know...

… Wouldn't the obvious reaction be to silence me?

**22:07**

I don't suppose he'd just sort of... wipe my memory.

**22:10**

Of course not, he's more of a Clarence Lithium (The Hateful, Piranha Keeping villain in "The Orion Quandary") than an Orson Johnson Jr (The Lonely Herbologist, from "The Godel Predicament").

I mean, Orson and Gabriella had a sort of tragic love affair thing going there. After he erased her mind he even tried to court her.

Unfortunately she ended up having to kill him to stop his evil plans.

Nothing keeps Gabriella Weline down for long though!

Not even killing her evil-megalomaniac-boyfriend.

Clarence on the other hand was always trying to kill her, and never fell for her lovely eyes, curvaceous body and sultry voice.

…

…

None of which I have.

…

…

Snape is going to kill me!

**22:13**

If anyone finds this notebook:

(Please disregard all the embarassing facts contained herein!)

Just know: I was right.

And Severus Snape did it.

**22:15**

I'm not going to get any sleep am I?

**22:20**

Fates, if you are listening, could I go back to my boring life please?

I never meant to bemoan my previous existence!

Please?

**22:22**

Well, if the Fates are listening, then I have nothing to fear at the wards do I?

So I'm going.

**22:23**

There's no use in trying to dissuade me.

**22:26**

No.

Really.

I'm going.

**22:30**

Oh, who am I kidding?

**Saturday, September** **5**

**10:00**

Ouch.

**10:02**

You know, I have just realized that strewing clothing all over my rooms is a good thing.

Because otherwise I may not have fit into my closet.

Or, you know, I wouldn't have been able to sleep in it.

… Which I didn't do.

Oh, you judgemental Notebook! What would you have done in my situation, hm?

Not so judgemental now are you?

… Notebook.

I need caffeine.

Which is in the staff room...

Where Snape sits, every Saturday, without fail, reading a potions periodical.

Not willingly- Albus threatened him (with what, I shudder to think) that if he didn't spend at least ten hours of his weekends outside his rooms something would happen.

So now he sits there for roughly three hours a Saturday and four a Sunday, reading and sneering and making snarky comments.

Which means that I cannot go there.

I can just see it:

I'll go into the staff room and get myself a mug of coffee and we'll be all alone and he'll look up from his reading.

"Miranda," he'll say, silky smooth, "did you get my note?"

I'll be clueless and rather like a unicorn in the presence of You-Know-Who and say, "Erm, yes."

And then, in the blink of an eye he'll have his wand out and sneer evilly at me and say: "Good. Then I won't have to explain why I'm about to kill you!"

And then I'll gasp and throw my mug of coffee at him (I can bemoan the loss of my beloved caffeine later- such a waste!) and run at full tilt for Albus's office, because he's the only one who will believe me and can protect me from the vicious man on my tail...

Only to suddenly bump into Aurora.

Gasping (I'm not exactly fit, you know) I'll say: "Oh, Aurora, thank Merlin you're here! Snape..."

"... Is my master." She'll deadpan at me, and I'll look into her usually vibrant eyes and they'll be more blank than a Muggle Studies Professor's at an Arithmancy conference.

"No! Aurora!" I'll cry desperately, and try to shake some sense into her.

"Must kill Miranda Vector." She'll deadpan at me.

And I'll feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I'll use them to fortify my resolve and set my mouth in a grim line.

"Give up, Miranda." Snape's smooth baritone will come from behind me. "They're all like this. And I know you cannot kill those you see as friends."

"NO!" I'll say and turn to face him, drawing my wand. "I will never give in to your evil! I will fight you until my last breath!"

He'll smirk at me.

"Then you shall not oppose me for long..."

!

He's here!

He's here!

I'm going to _die_!

**11:00**

So.

I'm not dead.

Turns out it was just Aurora.

"Miranda," she said looking me up and down, "I don't know what's got you in a flap now, but stop it."

Some best friend she is.

"But it's true! And he's going to _kill_ me!"

I might have been slightly hysterical as I said this.

"No-one is going to kill you Miranda."

"Yes he is! He knows that I know that he knows that I know that...!"

"Miranda!"

"... Yes?"

"No one is going to kill you. This is just like the Moody-incident."

"It is not!" I said with righteous indignation.

"Yes it is. I'm here to make sure you don't make another scene like that. Here- have your morning coffee."

And then she produced the entire carafe from the staff room.

I swear, if she wasn't under Snape's mind control and posed ready to strike me down I would have hugged her.

As it was I grabbed it and skipped the whole mug-thing.

Mugs just slow you down.

"Are you going to let me in now?" She asked, looking vaguely disturbed by my actions.

At this I choked.

Because what was I supposed to say to that?

On one hand- she is my best friend. On the other, she's under mind control.

"Erm..." I said.

"I'll take that as a yes." She said and pushed her way into my rooms.

She gave it an incredulous look and then turned to me with a raised eyebrow.

I wish I could raise a single eyebrow like her. Or Snape. There's just something inherently impressive about that gesture.

Anyways, she turned to me and said: "I thought a house elf cleaned here once a week?"

"She does." I replied.

Aurora turned back to survey the room.

Alright, so I'm a bit of a slob usually. But with the whole climbing in-and-out of the closet thing going on recently... it looks a bit like a war zone.

"Right. The first thing we need to do is clean this mess. And then get you something to eat. Honestly- how do you manage to make things such a mess?"

"Uhhhhh..." I was a bit distracted at the thought of food you know.

"We must never let Septimus see your rooms. At least not like this." She said decisively.

"Why not?"

"Because, Miranda dear, it makes a bad impression."

"Oh, and the rest of me doesn't? And what makes you so sure he'll ever see my rooms?" I asked in a bit of a tizzy.

Aurora just tinkled out her lovely laugh and said: "Miranda, darling, I know men."

And she _does_. There's a string of broken hearts wherever the lovely Aurora Sinistra goes.

Right. Back to the conversation.

"Miranda, darling, I know men. And if you take my advice, he'll definitely want to see your rooms, if you know what I mean."

It took me about fifteen minutes, but now I know what she meant.

So, here I am, almost an hour later, with freshly cleaned and ordered rooms, munching on some sandwiches my house elf brought for me with strict instructions that closets are for clothes- not people.

I also have Aurora Sinistra's "Man-handling Tips" (The title of which sent Aurora into a fit of giggles- and people say I'm the strange one).

So, Notebook, here they are (else I'll just lose them):

_Smile often._ I do smile! It's just very toothy and... well. I never got them fixed because apparently it hurts like the Dickens. So now I have two rows of teeth... like a Hyppogriff. Damn.

_Wear peach pink- this makes you both approachable and vulnerable (it also goes with any skin tone, and gives it a natural glow)._ Aurora has obviously forgotten that I'm a hopeless insomniac- and that I get burned just thinking about the sun. There's nothing glowy about my skin.

_Be cute. _HOW?

_Laugh at his jokes._ Honestly? I hardly get half the jokes people make. How am I supposed to do this?

_Flirt. _Me? Flirt? Will she be giving me lessons?

_Hang out only enough to keep him interested- let him chase you. _But I'm terrible at running... I'm hardly fit now, am I?

_Make him feel special. _He already is... Sigh.

_Wear appropriate make-up (something light and natural). _What? I tried mascara once and I nearly lost an eye in the process! Poppy has never let me live it down...

_For Merlin's sakes: DON'T BE A SLOB_ Erm. No comment?

_If he's looking at you, then: _

_a) Look away shyly (it makes you mysterious)_ Me? Mysterious? Maybe I should try it on Snape... The being mysterious thing! Because I'm a femme fatale to him! No other reason!

_b) Look into his eyes really briefly, and smile (don't be too obvious! It makes you seem weird and desperately stalkerish)_ But... I am kind of desperate. And Snape says I am a stalker. (LIES! ALL LIES!)

_c) Ignore him. Let him watch you by yourself. If he is looking only at you, then try to share your thoughts through facial expressions (e.g. if you are at a conference and the speaker is boring you, look at him and pull a face. Sharing these intimate moments will create a strong bond. _But I've never found an arithmancy lecture boring...

_Find out what kinds of things he likes and try to explore them as well. _I can do that! I can do that!

_Follow these rules like that Arithmancer's Bible you keep babbling about!_ It's called 'Alberich's Essays on Arithmancy'. And it _is_ the Arithmancer's Bible.

You know, maybe if I follow these tips Septimus _will_ want to see my rooms.

If I don't make a royal mess of them.

~HP~

**A/N:** What a chapter! I think Miranda's trying to kill me. Really. Especially since I'm writing organic chemistry tomorrow and she just wouldn't get out of my head. _

The thriller-part was fun to write though. Ah, Miranda the insane. :D

Also... For the love of all that is holy: DON'T TRY AURORE'S TIPS! I got them off a bunch of very dubious websites (I never even knew you could look this stuff up on the web.) and I refuse to be held responsible for anything that might happen because of them. They're just there for comic relief (because, honestly, 'it makes you mysterious'? I'd think someone was quite insane if they tried these on me.)


	5. Erotica and Allergies

**Chapter 4**

**Sunday, September 6**

**11:00**

Alright: I have a Plan.

Yes, Notebook- A Plan.

A dastardly plan that will uncover the true evil plot that Severus Snape is concocting right under our very noses!

You see, I've been too busy panicking about this. From now on I shall be cool and calm and collected- just like Gabriella Weline- International Woman of Mystery!

Which of course brings me to the point: I need to do research!

Yes, yes. We're all shocked at the implications of a _Ravenclaw Arithmancer_ doing research. Shut up, Notebook.

Where was I?

Right- research!

It's all rather simple: I already infiltrated a (semi) sacred space of his. Admittedly, it turned out to be a bit of a strange bonding session with Albus, but I still learned that he stole Albus's female magazines!

So- obviously I know what the magazines are for. (Evil mind controlling bodice busters!) Which, you know, is quite the achievement. I bet even Gabriella would be impressed.

Which makes me feel pretty good about myself.

I have doubted myself for the last time! I have proven that I too can be an International Woman of Mystery! Severus Snape does not scare me!

… You know. Mouth breathing, mind-controlling tendencies aside.

The point is: Gabriella would know her prey like the back of her hand by now!

And there's only one place that I can possibly find the largest collection of bodice busters known to wizardingkind... In Minerva McGonnagal's rooms.

And I will recognise the evil mind behind the most deprived of these books. I am, after all, the only Snape Expert in existence.

What? I am! I did after all spend most of the Moody-incident year sta- I mean, _studying_ Severus Snape.

Damn it! Now the man's unfounded accusations are nesting in my mind! I must stop this depravity!

Hold on Notebook- things are going to get hairy!

**18:00**

Oh Notebook! It was horrible! HORRIBLE I tell you!

I have suffered as no person should suffer...

and I haven't even looked at the bloody bodice busters yet.

Oh- the humanity!

The world better bloody well appreciate all of my sacrifices!

I don't know whether I can possibly pen it down... it was far too scarring you see.

Oh, all right Mini-Albus, who seems to have taken perch on my shoulder and keeps telling me that writing it down and not bottling things up will be good for me. If you get off my back I'll do it. Damn you.

Oh Merlin.

I'm hallucinating Tiny Albuses now!

See- _this_ is the result of my trying to be a Woman of Mystery!

Doom! Gloom! Poking! Prodding! The Talk and _men_!

I want to crawl back into my closet now...

But no! As an international woman of mystery, who carries the fate of the free world upon her (scrawny, droopy) shoulders, I cannot simply hide in my closet! I must face this trauma!

I must write it in my Notebook!

Right. so. Back to the (traumatising) events of today:

I started off by going to meet Minerva (as she today gave me permission to call her). The point was to search her collection of Bodice Busters in order to find the ones that Severus penned.

So I knocked at her door.

"Miranda." She blinked sleepily at me. "What are you doing here?"

"Er. Well, professor, you see, I, uhm..." See? This is the problem with trying to raid an old professor's stack of erotic novels. You get all tongue tied!

"Oh, come now Miranda. You can call me Minerva after all these years." She yawned.

"Erm, yes, I need... books."

"I thought you had those- you always have your nose buried in them!" She squinted at me.

"Yes, but, I need _books books_. With men. And little to no plot! And lots and lots of... heaving!" I stuttered.

"..." Minerva squinted at me some more before. "Oh! Yes, I see your problem my dear! Come in, come in!"

Well, it was a relief to see that Minerva was such a perceptive woman. I've been told I make absolutely no sense when I'm nervous.

Anyways, I followed her into her rooms in much the same way as a first year follows Severus into his office.

"Right, well. As you undoubtedly know, the school library doesn't carry these books... which makes it so hard for us teachers to spice up our lives. It's a pity really, Albus and I seemed to be the only two people comfortable enough with ourselves to indulge openly... And now, my dear, I find out that you're not the repressed prude that we always thought you were! I am so happy- after all, sometimes only another woman will do, if you know what I mean?"

"Erm... I suppose so?" Because I did. Suppose so.

Of course, my supposition was proven false (along with everything I ever thought I knew about Minerva) with her next action. You see, we were standing next to her huge, glass doored bookcase (filled to the brims with those damned Bodice Busters), and then she suddenly pulled a lever...

And WHA-BAM!

There was an entire room behind it- filled with more bookcases!

Now, my first instinct was to gaze longingly at the sheer awesome size of the place and quickly calculate the amount of books that could be stored within.

Next came outrage because damn! My books were in bloody storage and this woman had space for 1, 234 books (depending on thickness- but I averaged the Bodice Busters' thicknesses here.)! What a rip off!

Then I remembered that this was apparently in part Albus's stash and it made more sense.

By the time curiosity hit, I was exhausted from all the other emotions. But I still managed to find my way inside the room with great haste. I was _very_ curious about Albus's reading fetishes.

Oh Merlin.

It's true what they say: 'Curiosity killed the cat'!

Because I promptly grabbed the first bodice buster (I was worried that maybe Albus was reading Severus's by now) and read the title:

'The Raven of the Lost Sorcerer'.

Which, you know, was a bit corny but seemed alright...

Until I looked at the picture...

Oh no Notebook! I can't- I just can't finish this particular tale of woe and scarringly terrible homoerotic reading material!

… Or, you know, I could just break it to you like that. It's not like you can really be all that shocked.

The point being this: there, brazenly standing in some stangely erotic pose with their nipples erect enough to poke someone's eye out and their, ahem, _manhoods_ in pretty much the same state under their far too tight clothes were two men.

Which was when I realized: I obviously make no sense when I'm nervous.

I'm also pretty sure I was red as the stands during a Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch match.

I dropped the book as though burned and turned to Minerva, who was smiling serenely at me.

"Oh, yes. That one is particularly lustful. Albus borrows it every other week you know..."

Which was when I ran.

Don't judge me Notebook!

I had just found out that two of my _teachers_, people I _respected_ and _looked up to_ were reading heaving homoerotic... erm, books.

If Severus had been here he'd have had a word for books that began with and 'h'.

Not that I wish he were here.

At all.

Because he'd probably just sneer at me.

Though he might blackmail Minerva and Albus into helping him enslave the homosexual part of the world as well...

This is terrible!

I must not let him know this!

Wait, where was I?

**18:34**

Right.

So.

Running for what little sanity I had left.

Got it.

So I happened to run straight into Aurore Sinistra. Who, of course, looked at me like I'd gone round the bend.

"Miranda... what's gotten into you now?"

"It... Alb-Nerva... homeoreorotoerteec... I mean... gay! Manhood!" I ended up yelling the last part.

Which was exactly when Severus swooped by. He stopped for a moment before he sneered his most disgusted sneer and stormed off.

Which, you know, is normal for him.

But obviously he knows that I know now.

Anyway.

"Miranda, dear, you make no sense when you're nervous. Let's get some tea into you." She gave me a motherly smile as she herded me to the kitchen.

"But- but- but... they were, you know, _men_!" I tried one last time.

"Shush Miranda! Let's get to the kitchen!" Aurore admonished me and I walked with her like a recalcitrant student.

When she'd sat me down and we were both drinking our cuppas (Well, she was sipping. I was inhaling. I was in shock alright!) she asked: "Mir, is this about that Scragmore gentleman?"

I did a double take. "Septimus? What? How? Why?"

"Mir, I just, you know, need to know if..."

We both sort of looked at each other for a bit and then she sighed.

"I need to know if you've ever had _The Talk_."

"The what?"

"The Talk. About boys and girls? The birds and the bees? Wands and holsters?"

"Rore! That's terrible!"

"So I'm assuming you've had it then?"

"Yes!"

And I have had it.

It might not have been the best- my mom was always a bit of a prude and my Dad was never really home all that much. So it was my brother who sat me down and told me about 'wands and holsters'.

It was awkward, and it wasn't until I walked in on Marissa Greenblake and Josh Nevertind that I realized what the whole conversation had been about.

"That's a relief."

"It... that... what was _that_ about?" I sputtered.

"Well, you were running down the halls shouting things about 'manhood'."

"That's... it could have been something about a man's honour!"

"Yes- if you were two years old." She gave me a strange look. "Which, sometimes you are. So I suppose it's a plausible explanation."

I glared at her.

It's a lot of pressure, having the fate of the world on your shoulders.

I think I might go down two more places on the Hogwarts Sanity Scale, before I have a complete break down.

"Now," Aurore said, "about the reason I was looking for you..."

"You were looking for me?"

"Of course- I had thought the worst when I was following your yells, but luckily you just had a tiny breakdown."

"Of course." I deadpanned.

"Now- to business: shopping."

The woman had gone round the bend.

I- Miranda Vector- do not do _shopping_.

"You've gone round the bend." I said.

"Of course not." She sniffed. "I am referring to our little talk last night."

I gave her a blank look.

She sighed. "About my man-handling tips? You know- Septimus Scragmore?"

"Uhhhhhh..." I should say, I tend to have an impeccable memory when it comes to numbers. People- and talks- not so much.

"Oh for- did you write the tips in your diary?"

"It's a notebook actually. And... yes?"

"Wonderful." She nodded decisively at me. "Then have a look at Rule Two: Always Wear Peach Pink."

"Erm, Aurore... I don't think _pink_ is really my thing..."

"Nonsense- peach pink looks wonderful on everyone. That's why it's in the Rules!"

And before I could get another word in edgewise, she was gently sheperding me through the entryway of the castle. I was about to tell her that there was a reason I don't do shopping that had nothing to do with Rebellious Princess Syndrome when I heard Minerva from behind us...

"Miranda dear- you let your book fall and left it behind! The cover is truly _inspiring_ isn't it?"

At this, I promptly ran as quickly as my short legs could carry me, down the lawn and into Hogsmead itself.

All the while thanking Merlin that Minerva was as old as I was short.

"Miranda!" Aurore gasped from beside me as I finally stopped, desperately searching for the clothing store I knew to be here.

"Where is it? Where is that bloody store!"

"Language!" My friend admonished.

"Sorry, but she's after me... and she has _it_!"

"Right. I'll just pretend it was a spider, instead of some ridiculous thing you're blowing completely out of proportion. Oh for- Miranda! A true lady does not shop for her clothes in little villages! Do you want him to think you're one of those backward American types?"

"Uh... no?"

"Right. Then from now on, no more 'Uh's, 'Ah's or 'Uhm's. Understood?"

"U... I mean, yes?"

"Good. Now, take my arm. I don't suppose you've ever been here..."

Well, we apparated into some ridiculous little cobbled street with couples strolling down it and other ridiculously picturesque qualities.

It still looked like a little town to me.

Aurore, however, seemed oblivious to all this and stepped into a little shop. A bell tinkled merrily as she entered.

The sign said: Diore's House of Fashion.

Which is weird, right?

I hurried after her and blinked as I stepped out of the sunlight into the cool interior, only to see Aurore and a strange man exchange kisses on the cheeks.

She was cheating on Simeon? How dare she! I like Simeon!

"Ah, and you must be her friend..." The man said, speaking in an Italian accent. "Although I thought she said you were a girl...?"

"She is..." Aurore sighed.

And there we get to the reason that I don't shop: people tend to think I'm a very girly boy. I've been told it's because of the hair mostly.

No self respecting witch wears her hair short.

Thing is, I have no real use for long hair.

In fact, it's harder to get chalk and ink out of long hair. Not to mention the fact that it requires brushing. At the moment running my fingers through it is enough.

And I like it that way!

"... Ah. Must be the hair..." He looked me up and down. "And the lack of womanly curves... maybe the clothes are just bulky, no?"

"Alas, no." Aurore sighed. "She just has no natural curves."

"This, it is not a problem. I have an old lady customer with same problem- I make her some curves. But the hair..."

He and Aurore both shudered.

I shot them a glare.

No one touches my hair.

In any case, I spent hours being poked and prodded and having my measurements taken and just generally being criticized for not being womanly enough.

Which is _not_ why there are teardrops on this page. I just have... allergies.

Shut up.

Notebook.

You're so mean!

**19:00**

Alright.

I'm back.

Without those pesky allergies this time.

Ahem.

Right.

In any case, as we were walking up the castle drive I asked Aurore about the little place we had been.

"Miranda! Do you _ever_ read? That was Morgana!"

"What! I thought she was a woman! And, you know, dead for a long time now..."

"Not the man! The place- it's called Morgana."

"Uhm..."

"Stop that."

"Right. Why is it called Morgana?"

"Because, yes she was an evil witch... but she had brilliant fashion sense."

"... You're joking."

"No! All the best designers have a Fashion House there."

"Right."

"Miranda, dear, listen to me: this whole being divorced from the real world thing isn't good. For you. I worry about you, constantly. You need a man to take care of you- what's going to happen to you when I get married?"

"Wait- you're leaving?"

I was pretty panicky.

I mean, Aurore's the only friend I've ever had.

I'm still not quite sure what made her want to be friends with me. She was a Gryffindor, lovely and popular. And I was the geeky Ravenclaw no one could even see when they passed me in the hall.

It was always: "Oh, sorry, didn't see... Hey Mark!"

"No, no. Well- not _yet_. Only after we have children. I mean- a mother who works? What kind of mother does that to her children? But we've decided to wait- we want to have a nice nest egg for the children before we go there."

She gave me a calming smile.

I didn't smile back.

I suppose I should have seen it coming- someone like Aurore wasn't going to be an old maid. And all the women at Hogwarts were- old maids that is.

Despite Rolanda Hooch's attempts to seduce Severus.

Haha.

Oh, who am I kidding?

My best friend is leaving.

Damn! There go the allergies again!

**22:00**

You know what- maybe I should leave all this bookishness behind.

Maybe I should try to get a man.

Maybe I should just let Severus take over the world and concentrate on _my_ future. My happiness and my, erm, love life.

Yes. That's what I'm going to do! I am going to be a mature woman- no- _lady_ from now on. No more of this scribbling in notebooks and no more letting things run wild in my imagination.

I shall also be endeavouring to regulate the hours I keep to those befitting a lady.

So I shall go to bed now.

And _not_ go to the wards.

**22:00**

But not because I'm hiding from Severus!

Because I'm becoming a lady.

So there.

~HP~

**A/N:** Uhhhhhhhm… I have an excuse- I mean reason!- for the lateness. Actually, it's a bunch of it and I shall dollop it into "Real Life" and be done with it. I've actually had this written for a while, but posting it just never seemed to happen. I am sooooooo sorry! Please forgive me?

Also:

Wait... what have I done to my Miranda? She's getting all depressed and stuff? Where did the bloody plot and emotional depth come from?

I don't know. I honestly don't.

**Give love** to DeadTeenWalking for getting me off my ass and into some semblance of _trying_ to overcome a ridiculously bad case of writer's block (ugh).

**Thank you** for your reviews/alerts/favourites!


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